Patrick & Steven

Patrick is like most four-year-old boys. He likes playing with dogs, riding in convertibles, and learning about dinosaurs. He’s full of energy and questions, and seems to have no problem making the trek from mommy’s house in Louisville to daddy’s house in Palmyra every other weekend. This is not because Patrick’s parents are divorced or separated. It’s because Patrick’s mommy and daddy are gay.

The story of Patrick begins in 2000. Steve and Monica had been friends for 15 years, but neither of them knew they were both searching for a surrogate parent. Steve had interviewed a few prospective surrogate mothers who didn’t pan out for various reasons. Monica was trying the anonymous donor route through artificial insemination.

After ten months and about $10,000 worth of unsuccessful attempts with unknown donors, Monica’s partner approached Steve about becoming the surrogate father for Monica’s baby.

"We tried artificial insemination for close to a year and it wasn’t working. It was very sad," Steve says. "Finally the eleventh month of trying she called me and said it was too heartbreaking for her to keep on trying, but that she wanted to try one more time, and the last time worked!"

"I always wanted to be a parent, but I knew from an early age I didn’t want a man in my life," Monica says. "Now I’m glad Patrick has a father he knows instead of an unknown donor. I think it would be really hard being a kid these days not knowing who your dad was." Steve says, "A lot of gay couples or gay guys or lesbians don’t realize that when you enter into these agreements you’re surrogates, but once the baby’s born, you’re family."

Steve says the second Patrick came into this world, his life changed forever. "If I had to choose one moment in my life to relive, it would be that moment. It just brought me to tears. Everyday with him is like that. We just feel blessed. I grew up in a home where I can’t remember being hugged or kissed by my dad, but I want Patrick to remember all those things," he says.

"It is the hardest job I’ve ever done in my life. It is the best job I’ve ever done in my life," says Monica about first-time motherhood at age 39. "When you hear him call you mommy or this little cherub gets up in your face to tell you some wonderful thing that he’s figured out, there’s nothing else in the world that compares to it."

"We knew in the beginning it was going to be difficult and the natural mother was going to be scared and reluctant to let go of him. I knew I had to be patient about that," Steve says. "After the first year we sat down and worked things out." Now Patrick stays with Monica and her partner during the school week, then with Steve and his partner every other weekend and for extended stays over the summer.

The next challenge was introducing Patrick to each parent’s extended family. "We did decide before Patrick was born that he would have one mommy and one daddy," Steve says. Patrick refers to Monica’s partner as "Mimi" and to Steve’s partner as "Papa," but he knows that Steve and Monica are his parents. "The grandparents had a little bit of reluctance at first because it usually starts with a marriage - in this case it started with Patrick. Now they all get together for the holidays. It’s like one big happy family."

As joyous as gay parenthood can be, it can come with its share of problems. Although Steve and his partner are out, Monica and her partner are not. Monica did not want to use her last name or be photographed for this article for fear of losing her job. In fact, she didn’t come out to her family until she was pregnant with Patrick. Monica’s partner is not out to her entire family and did not want her name used in this article at all.

When Patrick is old enough to attend school, he could be the target of harassment or bullying. If he is, Monica feels confident he’ll be able to handle it. She believes Patrick is growing up with an innate understanding of diversity. "We’re all very sensitive to people who are different – we don’t allow him to laugh at people or make fun of people who are different," she says.

"Patrick’s life is very balanced – he gets to draw from all four parental figures in his life. He can choose to be what he wants to be," Steve says.

"I think Patrick will be something pretty fantastic," Monica says. He’s a very precocious child. He always laughs and has a wonderful spirit."

  by Chip Alfred